Monday, April 16, 2007
back in camp,
today, my sis will go be going for SYF.
haha she's soo worried about results and all.
a replica of me 4 years ago,
and thats y i totally understand how she feels.
But after so many years,
i realise that it does not really matters.
I didnt remember that much of band in regards to SYF,
but the other enjoyable times.
Hmm, but i know she has worked for it,
just hope she gets the result she deserves,
all the best for BHSS band.
i did not know what happen to us again last night.
perhaps she was just feddup, and i was there at the wrong time.
no no, it must be my fault.
she told me i always push the blame to her.
i really am not sure if i am doing that.
maybe i shouldnt be pestering her at all.
but after everything,
i am still here to wish her happy with her life and all.
Her happiness is what matters the most,
everything else are of least piority.
i asked myself last night why did i blew my top off again.
i know the answer is that i felt not important.
i felt dispensable, and didnt have my own diginity at all.
but then again, is diginity that important?
I really have a problem balancing what is important to me and what not.
Ann told me to have a mind of my own,
i became too dependent on her.
which is what candice said.
Am i not having a mind of my own?
i am so damn confuse now,
i dont even know how i should be thinking and feeling now.
so what does that mean?
so what am i now?
i guess, what i have to do now,
is to pluck up that discipline and courage of mine.
to stop contacting her.
i think that is what she wants,
and what my sister, my friends want me to do.
That is not what i want to do.
but i am now pressured to do so,
actually i am just listening to what she ask me to do.
fuck, i realise i am damn useless.
am i like a dog or something?
i seriously need to settle down,
and stop thinking about her,
because the fact is that,
i have to live my own life.
i still remember what LTC fred said to me,
about reaching a state of mind,
where i will focus on what i want,
everything else will just be channelled towards my goal.
about the desires humans will have,
and how these desires affect the journey towards our goal.
i think i want to take a study on buddhism,
i want to be a person like he is.
keruirocks.
11:26 AM
