Dear xxxxxxx,

How are you?

The truth is that, the more i try to change my life, the more it remains the same.
the more i try to forget and let go, the more i realise you are still the one.

There is so much i've wanted to say to you, and so many places i want to bring you to.
Stupid, am i? i am actually still hoping it can happen one day. I dont understand it either, but i guess, this feeling cannot be explained through logic or words. You are probably laughing it out loud while reading this. Like why is this fat asshole still clinging on me. Ha, i am so foolish lah.

Someone hanged up my phone today, which kinda irritates me. How stupid i was to do that to you last time. Fuck. Is there a better word to describe how regretful i am.

How long has it been? nearing 3 months already huh.

Well, i still believe what you said to me, about the big smile 6 months later, maybe everything now is a blessing in disguise. maybe, maybe, i hope.

Meow meow is doing fine, i am taking care of him everyday, i made sure he doesnt sleep too long nowadays. hehe, he is always crying he wants to see you. that silly cat. i told him you have gone for a long holiday to visit a old man, and he actually believes! haha

I have been thinking about what love is, and how can one measure love, and only to realise that it can be simple and of no limits and frame, and it is because i want to love, partly because of my selfish reasons, that made it look complicated and superficial.

Now that i kinda understood it more significantly, i want to say it again to you that, i really love you. and never once i have stop loving you. I miss you so badly, so so badly.

May any great one up there, bless you with good health and wealth and luck. Please take care of yourself.

Yours faithfully,
kerui.

keruirocks.
8:34 PM

okay, lets look at the problem.

1stly : you are a girl.
2ndly: you are only 16.
3rdly: we have a mother that isn't educated.

okay, you are a girl you just have to accept it that you are more "vulnerable" and obviously, parents tend to be more worried. I didnt have problem going out the whole day the whole night when i was 14, because i am a guy. you can say this is sexism or what, but this is the norm for many families out there.

and you are only 16. Even at 18, your dear mummy can call the police to throw you into girls home. and yes, at 16, you are still a kid. Wait for 21. and it is also not a matter about whether you are mature or not.

You should know by now the way she does things. I totally agree that she is brainless a lot of times, but what can you do? Even though you may seemed to be close to her, but do you think you are really close? As a family, we are definitely a group of failures, we dont communicate. and i do not want to push the blame to them as well, if there's anything to change, we change ourselves first, if there's anything to compromise, we should give in first. Ultimately, they have the invulnerability as parents.

Like i told you last night, the issue about freedom is qualitative, not quantitative.
It doesn't really matter if you go out once, twice or none. It is whether you CAN go or NOT.
It doesn't really matter if you go out for 1 hour 2 hour or 3 hour, the point is, you are out.
Freedom is relative, to her, she has already given you alot of freedom. but to you, it is not.
It is up to you how you want to view it. frankly, i have heard cases much worse than yours.
the thing is, because of the 3 reasons above, unless you break away from those restrictions, you just got to work around it. Theoretically, you have your freedom at 21, maybe if you are lucky, at 18?

And if you are talking about trust, first, trust her that she will give you back your freedom someday. Then try to earn some trust from her? like being "guai", do well in studies, and respectful.
And you always lie. It is not as if she doesnt know you are lying, i've told you before.
Will you trust someone that lies?

It is not that i dont want to side you, but you have to be more sensible already.

keruirocks.
7:35 AM

it's been a week, and no news heard.
i guess thats it.
question answered.

it has been down and down. and down and down.
i thought what goes down has to come up.
so, when is it coming up?
when will it be full moon again?

this few days seemed to be super depressing.
i have been thinking about her more than ever, i don't know why.
and that weird dream last night, i wondering what has been arranged for me.
de va juu`.

keruirocks.
12:19 PM

the pursuit of happiness.
It is like walking a marathon on a stadium track.
there will be no ending point,
you just go back to where you started off.
rounding the track, you get to see the world in three hundred and sixty degrees.
and happiness may just be that instant you view the world in that particular moment.
once you missed it, you are on your way to square one.
and hope to catch it on your next lap.

sometimes, i don't understand the concept of this pursuit.
i am forever looking forward to reaching a goal.
and to think that i will attain happiness once reaching that goal.
never to realise that,
there is probably nothing in the end,
just that big red banner - "starting point"
and i never realise that what will be really making me happy, is actually the process.

and my impatient self, tends to push me to run through the laps,
hoping and hoping to reach out for the happiness that im looking for.
not knowing that the faster i run, the faster i am back at the starting point,
and the more i missed during the process.
i may have run pass so many moments,
that i didnt cherish.
so many moments that could have made my life more meaningful.

and one day, when age and fatigue set in,
i may just fall straight to the ground and die.
a wasted effort on the track.
-the end of marathon.

i kinda knew where this emptiness is coming from.
expectation.
i expect too much from everything.
and i will be disappointed more than anybody

and "relative".
this is the word that i have been hearing.
and not until now, while im typing this,
that i realise even happiness is relative.
i tend to link happiness with superficiality,
and with a high expectation i always have.
that is the killer ulimate combo.
i guess thats what making me feel bad about my life all the time.
maybe sometimes, i am already happy, but i choose not to.
well well, why am i making it more complicated than life already is.

meowmeow, stop missing her, or i will not buy you orh lua. (:

keruirocks.
10:00 PM

life will be so tiring if you think too much.
i don't think most people base their decisions on karma.
i don't think most people think about the consequences when their emotions overflood.

we always think about karma and consequences after everything else.
if you're victim, probably talking about karma makes you feel better.
because thats what i felt.
like, "nvm , she will get her karma."
this is probably just consoling myself?

what goes around comes around, and goes back around and comes back around.
so when will this karma thing stop then?
when you stop being selfish and get something changed positive, first changing yourself?
i am really ok to be cursed and voodoodolled,
as long as i am out of the karma vicious cycle, i will be more than happy.

because in the end, who knows what karma will we get? ourselves.

keruirocks.
10:08 PM

I was msging Dawn today, and she was like so excited about her bf's POP.
As usual, she was soo similar to her. the things she did and said.
it was as though i went in time. it was so bitterly sweet.

yea Dawn 's so proud of her camouflaged boy, like how "she" used to be proud of me.
i still remember my POP where she came, and was like loooking everywhere for me.
and all of the POP photos she took.
I'm happy for dawn and bryan! and i hope they stay as sweet as ever. (:

keruirocks.
10:06 PM

i hate this burning sensation.
i hate kent road.

whenever i take cab i rather spend 20 cents to make a detour just to avoid kent road.

flame?glowing splint.
daydream? nightmare.
sweet? bitter.
salty? and sour.

me? you.
you? me.
so near? so far.
hug? and apart.

u? i.
move on? still
loved. loving
myself? and you.

keruirocks.
8:58 PM

i went east coast to see hot bod.
im fuuking jealous!!!

happiness in sadness. says:
LOL.
happiness in sadness. says:
u can be one of them
happiness in sadness. says:
if u conntrol ur diet
happiness in sadness. says:
-.-

bleahh.. even my sister doesnt understand!

anyway, i want to go Aussie is not because i find the Uni there better or what.
it is just that i want a new life,
i am tired of the singaporean life, and i want a breather.
i want to live differently at least, i want to see the world from other perspective.
how do i explain to them?

keruirocks.
10:12 PM

happy birthday meowmeow!



you've been in my room for 1 year already.

im sorry you've to spend your birthday with me alone.
because she has gone for a long holiday.

keruirocks.
11:49 PM

Why have i met people that has an unique defination for "friends".

Probably, "friends" is a word as useful as an excuse, when it comes to BGR.
Why? Anything that doesn't work out, will end up be friends.
That is what most people will say, isn't it?
So, i can conclude that, any relationship, no matter what.. it doesn't really matter if you get together with someone.. marry someone.. or whatsoever!
because in the end, friends is all that matters.

"Come on, im sick and tired of you, lets be friends instead"

"i don't think we are suited as couples, there's no spark, let's be friends"

"hey pretty lady, let's be friends"

"you've a hot bod, maybe we can go to the hotel to be friends"

im sick of superficiality.

if you know what i mean, yea i'm refering to you.

keruirocks.
11:04 PM

Surprisingly, i wasn't really that depressed.
Well maybe because i cried and i had loving frens and families there for me.
i apologise for the nonsense i typed in IRC last night.

i took alook at our pictures. i was so sweet and loving.
usually i will get super emo when i go thru them, but somehow, i no longer feel so.
yes i still miss her and all. ( i mean the her long ago)
but at least my emotions are stable.

She was such a cutie. feel like pinching her cheek everytime i see the pictures. hehe
and her trademark antics, forever so heartwarming and teasing.

i still cannot bring myself to blame her or hate her or anything bad.
i know she's a nice person, probably nice the wrong way.
and probably, our maturity and mentality are just at different levels, which is why both of us could not understand each others' effort.

But i've decided that since she has taken such a dark route,
my kindness ends here.
i will let go of everything. good and bad.
i will just take it as nothing happened, and i do not know such a girl.
its tough, but i have to do it. i do not want Jean to scold me anymore.
i forgive you.

and i guess it's time to forgive myself.
i think i have no regrets, which is why i wasnt that sad after all.
i've done my part.




It takes 8 seconds to have a first impression, a great deal of time to create an everlasting impression, but it will only take 1 second to turn everyting to dust.
Forgive and ( try to ) forget.

keruirocks.
8:49 PM

My sis rocks big time.
you definitely have to read what she said on her blog :)

Thanks for being there, everyone (:

keruirocks.
1:31 AM

I think i cannot take this move on with life thingy anymore.
the more i think about it, the more it contradicts my principles.
i've told myself that i should face my problems and not run away from it.
no more shortcut.

what is this move on thing about?
carry on with my life?
I am isnt it? not as if i suicided or something.
so can i also assume that move on will mean that,
carry on with life without mentioning the past.
and to "learn from lesson", "put it behind your mind" etc etc
whats the difference from running away then?
i mean, what's the point of deluding yourself, and later to realise you have not really heal.
I agree that we accept what has happened has happened, and do not commit suicide.
and it is not that i have not move on, i have not yet accept what happened.

and there goes another line about "time will heal".
Will time heal? really?
or will through a long period of time of self-brain-washing, that you are now able to put your pain away. and to realise its still painful when it bleeds again.
I think emotional wounds and physical wounds are of much similarity.
It will stop bleeding, wounds will clot, but the scar can never be healed.

WAH TAH FAH.
enough of philosophies and differences.

keruirocks.
4:58 PM

keruirocks.
7:49 AM

Had a great day.
Went to tennis with Meiqi Janice and jiafeng and barry, anthony, Mr and Mrs Darren, Joshua, wham, hantu, and loo. I am happy not because we had new comers to tennis today, but today was the first time in so many years that i went out with my sis. Significant.

After which, i went home tired, and was thinking about taking a nap before Pat's Party, but i totally forgotten about my sis having sax lessons at home. So i couldnt really slp.
That sax tutor, was like flirting with my sis? ( ok i know this PUN sounds really wrong)
Maybe they can go ahead and flirt, maybe he will fall in love with my sis or someething, den he wont charge the tuition fees.
LOL

There was quite a huge crowd at Pat's place, played winning 11 with josh but like, lost so many matches. lol.
the food wasnt that bad, and Pat is lucky to have a really nice gf.

keruirocks.
12:23 AM

keruirocks.
5:07 PM

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