It is not that i want to be paranoid, not that i choose to also, i just cannot help it.
Yea i am weak, i know probably many of you out there have the ability to stop yourself from thinking too much and to keep your cool, but i tried, i guess it is just me.

There are somethings that can change, somethings that can't, i guess i am that, i don't like things to be left hanging, i want it to be done and solved and progresss once and for all. That is what makes me impatient i guess.

i guess everything happened because i cared too much. To me, you are like a light of hope, a shimmering beam of light that appeared after my darkest nightmare. And not knowingly, i guess i have given it too much effort than i should. You can say that i am selfish, i acted paranoid because of my own personal reason - i do not want to be left neglected. I don't want to be self centred, but at some point in time, i need the attention to myself. I am sure i had done things that were selfless too. It was just a wrong reaction, at the wrong time.

Frankly, if you have paid more attention to me, spend a little more effort trying to understand me, i guess i wouldn't even have went to that extent.

i am sorry, i really am sorry, for the uneasiness i caused. i hate myself for that sometimes, like i always screw things up. I hope someone can see my actions and think about the root of the cause. I hope to say that, my intentions were good, at least. It is not as if i am so posessive as to control who you go out with or where to, i was just caring oversensitively.

i am sadden by what happened to myself and all. It was the fear of the past, fear of repeating what happened in the past, that i was focusing of. But i am wrong, i just neglected the most important thing that i should have focus on instead - our future.

i know life is not a game that we can just click "quit", i just hope we can click "proceed".

keruirocks.
7:43 PM

what is it last night that made me lose my cool?
i guess i probably missed her so much and i wanted her attention.
Give and don't take, thats a very difficult task to do.

anyway, the feeling sucks totally. Time passes by super slow, and every now and then, i will take a look at my hp, to see if theres any sms from her. Am i obsessed? Am i possessive? Am i too clingy already?

Let me put myself in her her shoes,
if i were to be in celebrations and fun and chalet, i would probably want to enjoy myself as much, without the chore to reply smses. It was me and my bad habit of being impatient.
fuck up.

i am damn worried all that had happen will jeopardise anything.
If it does, i don't really know if im ready for a 2nd blow.
It's so sad, it is as though im forcing myself to cry.

why is everything so complicated? did i complicate it myself?

All i wanted is to have you be there, i happy, you happy can already.

keruirocks.
8:30 AM

18 08 07
it was almost as if god has given me a 2nd chance of my life,
to redeem what i have failed, and to give what i have not given.

Everything was seemed so perfect. i love the day, and i love the time spent with you.
and it was the perfect moment when our hands found each other.

i waited patiently for your return and safety. Tiring but worth it,
i want to give you everything i could, and i hope to be a better bf than ever.

i know i may not be as good as any other guy out there,
but i want to be.
i really hope you can give me the chance to be there.

im really confused now.
it is as good as cutting off my parachutes.
i thought my dream had come true, only to realise, it was merely a dream.

what am i supposed to do to win you over again? i feel so insecure about everything now.
how? im afraid i will do anythng that jeopardise our relationship.
im afraid, so afraid.

keruirocks.
6:33 PM

Yea~~ my Epiphone Les Paul standard!
Cherry Sunburst with Flame top - classic!





well it is not a fantastic guitar, but it is good enough for now!
and i got it quite cheaply, together with Digitech X series DF7 pedal, leather bag, cables for 690.
quite worth it i guess. It is about 400 dollar lesser than my budget (:

and meowmeow seems to be learning with his tiny paws as well :D

i love my new guitar~
and.. i love driving!

had my first practical lesson last friday with Mr tan, at some ulu tampines heavy vehicle park.
i was taught U-turn, clutch changing, acceleration.. blah blah.
and i think i have a fat and powerful and insensitive right foot. i cannot manage to depress the accelerator minimally. =/
and i always forget to depress clutch pedal when i need to get a full brake.
and mr tan is abit sissy. =/ and he holds(grabs) my hand when teaching me. O.O

Im flying off to Genting with my family this national day. Actually i was kinda looking forward to watch the parade this year, but oh well.. there's repeat and mob tv and mio tv and whatsoever.

This part of my life seemed specially fulfilling materialistically. (except for my N76)
i love it, i always get what i want. i am damn lucky in this sense.

Sigh, but the most important part of my life still stinks like a fart.
i have been getting weird and bad dreams lately, i wonder why, which is totally affecting my mood nowandthen. I have managed to hold off my tears, but i dunno why, the feeling to get into cries and depression kept sinking in. I took a peek at our photos in camp, they are still in my wallet, well kept.

and the dreams i was talking about, i was always the 3rd party, looking at my life with her, my actions, her reactions. it was fucking miserable. i made so many countless mistakes, i really didnt treat her well like how i should and how i promised her. fuckshit me.

i miss her alot alot alot. what am i supposed to do?

keruirocks.
2:24 PM

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